: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
