good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
