I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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