I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
