Swine flu. Run for my life!
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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