went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
