Don't make out with my wife yet
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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