dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
