Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
