Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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