Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
