And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
