i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
