I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
