they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
