If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
