Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
