so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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