i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
