I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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