I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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