I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
