I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
