Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I think your dad took our porno
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
