then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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