6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
