just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
