yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
