Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
