I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
