i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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