Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just high enough for therapy.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
