The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
