I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize