We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
