evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
