no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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