so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
