is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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