What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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