whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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