Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
