life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
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