Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
