Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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