i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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