you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize