apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize