I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize