it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
