I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Randomize