Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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