there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
