it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
